


Warm Hands for the Sorrowful Heart

by Eggsyobsessed



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Cuddles, Eggsy Fixes It, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Merlin is Hurt, Mission Gone Wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:41:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27499594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggsyobsessed/pseuds/Eggsyobsessed
Summary: When a mission goes wrong, and an agent's life is lost, Merlin finds comfort in the arms of the person he loves.
Relationships: Merlin/Gary "Eggsy" Unwin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 44





	Warm Hands for the Sorrowful Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Snafu07](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snafu07/gifts).



> Because I just got this idea out of thin air, thank you Snafu07, and just had to get it out. 
> 
> Not beta read, really not edited just written on a whim, so please excuse errors.

“Sir.” Merlin nodded as he departed the dining room. The feeling of dread and despair thickened in his throat, closing off his windpipe as he wrapped up for the day and ensured Mordred was prepared to oversee Roxy’s mission overnight.

He was due home, but the thought alone brought an unwelcome, sour feeling to bubble in his gut. Even if who he went home to would accept him with open arms and a heart made of gold. The thought he was unworthy weighed him down, crushed his shoulders, making it difficult to stand proud. What would he say? How could he look bright, love filled sea green eyes and admit failure? He couldn’t. It wasn’t something he was accustomed to, and certainly not anything he wished to relive.

“Go home, Merlin,” Mordred softly said. He hadn’t moved, just stood there like a lost puppy who couldn’t remember his way home. “And don’t worry about tomorrow, yeah? Just got the email, and I’m to send you straight home if you show up.” 

Two days leave, that’s what he was given as a result of a fallen agent. A man who should be on their way home, alive and well. Instead he was retrieved and packed up in a body bag, no formal service with loved ones, no way to divulge his fate except a piss poor medal that did little but promise a favor, whether it was welcome or not.

Kingsman bound them to secrecy and a life that was lonely, one that left every man and woman barren and little to share with those close to you. Merlin remembered how scarce company could be, how the world was a bit grey and gloomy with no one to hold close, to share those wonderful and horrible moments with. That was until Eggsy came into his life, bringing more vibrant color into his world. 

“See you in forty-eight hours, sir,” Mordred dismissed him. 

“Take care,” Merlin acknowledged, and left.

The cab ride home was generally a short affair, but that night it felt as if it took hours. Gawain’s video feed played over and over in his mind, as if he were watching it still. It was like a broken tape, an endless loop of his death and there was nothing Merlin could do to stop it. Over the years he counted himself lucky, and had maintained the lowest death of their knights, while on duty and overseeing his charge. But that victory did not outweigh the number that danced in his head, taunting him like an impish creature sent from hell. 

Ten. Ten men had lost their lives on his watch. And he’d never forget a single one. Especially not the first, the one that stung and cut deeper than the rest, leaving a gnarled, nasty scar for no one but Merlin to see. It was the kind of wound you couldn’t heal, couldn’t stitch up and hope for clean, quick healing. These were the kinds of wounds that prayed on his conscious, haunting him in the darkness of night, making sleep unpleasant and stressful.

“Thank you, Edward.” Merlin thanked his driver, and headed up the walk leading toward a home he’s shared with Eggsy for five years now.

He stopped at the closed door, resting his forehead against it for a moment, and listened to the telly on the other side. Surely Eggsy had a silly action movie playing with JB in his lap, and a bowl of popcorn or bag of crisps to go with his ale. Simple little routines that he noticed, because Merlin noticed everything, ones he found comforting despite repetition.

Merlin was a simple man, one driven by a methodical system and habit, which made the discussion of their shared housing a tough one. But Eggsy was easily pleased, so long as they could share a space and coexist with added touches of his own, they were good. And it worked out rather well, so much so Merlin didn’t know if he could survive without Eggsy. They’d gotten serious enough for ‘I love you’s’ and kisses shared so intimately, it was as if they were made for one another. Like two lost puzzle pieces that came together and finished the bigger picture, that’s what Eggsy was to Merlin.

And yet despite all the greatness in his life, this loss--a good man who had two nieces, a mother and brother--tore him open, leaving him bare and bleeding without any signs of stopping. Which made his relationship with Eggsy that much more fragile. Eggsy added pressure to the situation, being an agent and all. Love wasn’t supposed to hurt this way, it was meant to bring joy and light in a rather dark life. Of course Eggsy was brighter than the sun, everything he’d ever wanted out of life, but the risks crept around the good, tainting what he held so dear to him with unseen fear.

It was a scary job and Merlin knew this, he just wasn’t prepared to gamble the life of his love because of it.

He pushed open the door with shaking hands, stepping through the threshold as if his legs were made of led, and stood in a space that was warm and inviting, but brought little comfort.

“Hey babe!” Eggsy called from the sitting room.

Merlin hummed an answer as he passed the entrance, heading straight for the liquor cabinet in their dining room; he needed something to take the edge off. Numbing this feeling didn’t take it away, just dulled enough it was bearable.

“Babe?” Eggsy softly asked behind him. Merlin was on his third dram of Scotch. He went straight for the good stuff, fuck that cheap bollocks he saved when they had guests over; the stronger the better. “Bad day?” Eggsy sounded concerned.

“Aye,” Merlin confirmed. He couldn’t face Eggsy. The same questions buzzed around him, like a swarm of bees that trailed behind him. “I need a shower,” he added, voice flat and emotionless.

He caught a glimpse of fear and worry on Eggsy’s face as he passed, brushing his hand with his on the way to their room.

Merlin stepped into icy cold water, needing the bite of frigid spray against his shoulders, a reminder he stood here, alive and breathing when an agent who trusted Merlin with their life, lay still and cold, unmoving forever. It was his fault. He was the charge, the one to guide him, the Quartermaster of Kingsman had allowed this tragedy to exist. Foolish! These were fuck ups for novices, of men or women who didn’t have over three decades of experience under their belt!

Yet there he stood, head against tiles with hard, freezing water pounding against his skin. A fuck up as it were. He’d cocked it up pretty easily, even if Arthur claimed it wasn’t his fault. It was. Merlin was to blame, this happened on his watch!

The blame game continued until he was too stiff to move, his limbs ached, arthritis in fingers throbbed and he had to get out. He probably should go find Eggsy, be social and eat, instead he closed the curtains, turned off the lights and lay in bed under the covers, naked and wet, shaking with more than just chills. Merlin prayed for sleep, for anything to ease some of the guilt and close off the overwhelming stench of a mission failed; it wafted around him like spoiled milk, sour and acidic. 

Hours could have passed before Eggsy slipped into bed and lay to face him. He watched Eggsy’s brows come together, lines etched his perfect face, wrinkling smooth skin into one of distress, a look not well suited for his perfect lad. Yet all he could do was witness Eggsy’s anxiety thicken further, become almost unbearable to look at and yet he couldn’t gaze away.

“Harry told me,” Eggsy whispered.

Of course he’d call Arthur himself. Eggsy wasn’t the type to let it be, unable to put things aside and allow them to stew overnight; it just wasn’t in his nature. Merlin was both thankful and regretful of that, at the moment, and didn’t want to talk about it. So he turned until his back faced Eggsy, pulling his knees to his chest in a fetal position, and hugged them against his body.

To his surprise, Eggsy didn’t say anything, but instead came to press his warmth against Merlin’s back. Arms stretched around his body, holding him tighter than Merlin imagined possible considering their height difference. But Eggsy made it work and dropped velvety warm lips to his shoulder, providing a trail of featherlight kisses to the nape of his neck and to the other side.

The comfort was enough to draw tears to his eyes, as if they hadn't threatened to spill since he left Kingsman, and fall down his face. “I failed,” Merlin quietly sobbed.

It was in this soft, serene space Eggsy created that Merlin’s walls fell. He was thankful Eggsy didn’t try to tell him he hadn’t, but instead tightened his hold as if Merlin might fall apart and the only thing keeping him together was Eggsy.

Eggsy hummed softly against his skin, as he petted and caressed his head where kisses were placed to soothe his distress. His legs wrapped around Merlin’s, creating a cage with iron clasps that were strong, yet safe and secure.

“I never forget a face...it always haunts me, each anniversary,” Merlin admitted, his voice raw and watery. “How can ye stay with someone who could fail ye?” And maybe that was his greatest fear. The chance he COULD lose Eggsy, just the same way he lost Gawain and the nine others through his career. 

“You wouldn’t,” Eggsy vowed.

Merlin's body shivered in the safety of Eggsy’s arms, his sobs continued with no end in sight. And Eggsy held him just as securely as before, with no intentions he’d ever let Merlin go. His strength bled through each word of comfort he murmured, each touch of lips to skin and every caress he gave Merlin.

There were times where Merlin had to be the one with un-ending strength, wisdom and support that guided and assisted men and women into danger, but sometimes he needed that, too. And here he was, with the love of his life around him like a well worn jumper, soft but strong and sturdy, providing him warmth, acting as a barrier against the world. That was his Eggsy.

“Thank ye,” Merlin murmured a while later. He wasn’t sure how long they’d been like that, but he appreciated it just the same.

Eggsy kissed his shoulder, and buried his nose there. “I love you, babe. I’m here for you, yeah?” Merlin nodded while he took one of Eggsy’s hands, bringing it up for a tender press of lips against the palm, and held it there. “And I know there ain’t shit I can say to take this away, or make it better, but know I’m right here. Okay? You ain’t alone in this, Hamish.” Once his hand was released, Eggsy wrapped himself tighter around Merlin. “You won’t be alone,” he repeated into his ear.

Merlin’s lips drew up into a weak smile as he shifted until he faced Eggsy, and returned the cuddle by tangling himself around Eggsy’s body. Sea green eyes looked back at him, the depths of them swirled with love and acceptance, unwavering trust and adoration shined through, as well. He leaned forward, capturing Eggsy in a deep, full kiss that stole his breath away, leaving him a bit breathless, too.

“I love you,” Eggsy murmured around another fervent pass of lips. “So much.” Merlin felt the promise through the affection, hoping his own was reciprocated in each delicate press of his lips, but murmured it into Eggsy’s mouth just to be sure. “I’ve got you,” Eggsy swore as his arms once again encompassed him. A palm slipped up his neck to cradle the back of his head and guide him into the crook of Eggsy’s neck, and rocked them. “I’ve got you,” he whispered like a prayer, and continued to soothe Merlin’s aching heart until they fell asleep.

It didn't take away all the darkness, but brought rays of sunshine and hope into his heart, filling him where Gawain’s death had left him empty. And the next morning when he woke up, still in the safety of Eggsy’s arms with tears dried to his face and a headache that could only be from crying, Merlin felt lighter.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on tumblr @stronglyobsessed


End file.
